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Aug. 11th, 2009 @ 08:16 pm Oh Yeah...
For the record...

I love you. And as hard as it is to admit it... I think I'm STILL IN LOVE with you....














Wow.
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Aug. 11th, 2009 @ 07:59 pm Here We Go....
I'm so torn. Did I make the right decision? Should I have gone about it a different way? Will he even get it? I dunno... I have no clue. A HUGE part of me wonders why now? Where did it come from? Why me? What the hell possessed me to want to speak up now? Nothing... its just been a never ending battle for the last nearly four years. And I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired.. I AM tired. But hopefully, from now on... I don't have to be. *SIGH*

And what do I expect? Honestly? I don't know. For him to hate me? For him to feel tremendously awkward, disappointed... angry? Or worse, for him to never speak to me again? The hardest thing is to sit and fight with myself about festering feelings... to go back and forth, over and over... for more than a year... and finally come to a conclusion. In order to have peace I have to let it out... admit it. Suck it up and say it... to you, and to myself.

What do I want? I'm not sure what I want... but I know what I DON'T WANT! I don't want to lose our friendship just for the sake of peace of mind. I don't want to burden you or make you stress for no reason. I'm almost 99.9% sure you don't feel the same, and I'm okay with that. I just... needed to let you know. Get it off my chest. I also need... acknowledgment. Something to say that some way some how, it didn't fall on deaf ears?

What have I done?
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Aug. 6th, 2009 @ 10:51 pm Striking up a conversation....
Current Mood: calm
I haven't done this in a VERY long time! And Lord knows I am extremely nervous about it. I have so much on my mind, and so much has changed... I just need to start venting again and making a way to get everything off my heart and out in the open. I want to start writing again... and I want it to be good. I want it to be raw, yet complex. I want it to be something of interest and yet I want it to be something reflective of me. I want to see if this talent still exists, only lying dormant and not having been ravaged and driven to extinction by my reliance on the things that were not truly for me. So where do I start?

Let's see... I'm in a new city. Far far away from home. Living in Los Angeles has been quite an experience for the past year. I officially have no friends, and all the people I want to be around are not here... nor are they close. The one person I thought had my back.. did not. That's all there is to be said about that. It's time to move on.

I'm currently looking to change the world one day at a time, and i have the most amazing opportunity before me at this point with my work that allows me to do just that. I have seen so much change in my life that it makes me proud. Generally I care not about what would take place around me... but here I care exactly what happens and how much of an impact and change is taking place.

And I'm now looking to spark my writing career again! I want to begin working on a new novel and maybe even getting back into the performing arts. I feel like that would be sooo much fun!

Ah well... stay tuned for more to come... my goal is to keep this whole blogging thing up...
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Nov. 18th, 2007 @ 10:33 pm Commercials B



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Nov. 18th, 2007 @ 10:23 pm Commercials A





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Nov. 18th, 2007 @ 09:55 pm Commercials

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Oct. 24th, 2007 @ 11:09 pm (no subject)



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Nov. 8th, 2006 @ 02:09 am Update
1)Piece of shit computer back....
2) I roll wit the fellas now...
3) Apparently I'm injury prone as FUCK!
4) NO SOLOS for me....
5) Probably still failing two classes!

That's the scoop! Stayed tuned for the next episode.....
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Oct. 7th, 2006 @ 06:55 pm Fuck this Place!!!
This stupid ass campus is full of fake ass people! I dunno how much longer I can stand it here! Maybe it truly is me... or maybe it's like Kat Williams's said.. I'm allergic to BULLSHIT!!!! At any rate, I don't need all this drama right now!!!!
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Sep. 28th, 2006 @ 02:07 pm (no subject)
Life... is undoubtedly better. So much so that I can actually smile for once. The only downfall.. is that I'm busy as shit! And probably failing two classes! But I wouldn't have it any other way! MAybe when I get my piece of shit computer back.. I'll update more often.
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Sep. 4th, 2006 @ 02:20 pm * SIGH*
Hi,
It's been a long, long time, but it's not like anybody reads this mess anyways. Let's update shall we? School has started, it's kickin my ass. Everybody wants me to play leader... it's kickin my ass. I am seriously contemplating playing ona team where I question my comfortability and skills as well... its kickin my ass! My "best" friend and I fell out, and I highly doubt we may ever EVEN SPEAK again, because I don't even feel like lookin at her, and in all honesty... I have no friends. ANYWHERE it seems. Oh wait I take that back... I do. I have three. One who wants to be with me, one in whom I wanted to be with, but I'm not so sure now, and one whom I never manage to keep in good contact with, though HE's been my best friend since 4th grade. 3.... yup, 3! One of my former friends from High School took it upon herself to call me and question why she doesn't get phone calls, when she never got them in the first place, and then proceeds to be confused about not being my BEST friend when, 3 years ago in Senior year she made it very clear she wasn't BFF material! Fun!
I want out of this Godforsaken atmosphere, and I really just want... something.... anything to stay positive about. It's gettin hard, and I'm supposed to be growin up right? Then why do I feel so alone and like a whiny baby? Way to be E! Way to be!
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Aug. 12th, 2006 @ 10:50 pm (no subject)
In Cali.... Oh Boy....
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Jul. 12th, 2006 @ 05:14 pm Love it.................... Thnx Brad
Current Location: my desk
Current Music: My Windows playlist
- Your Life: The Soundtrack - - - - - - - -
So, here's how it works:
Open your music player (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
Put it on shuffle.
Press play.
For every question type the song that's playing.
When you go to a new question press the next button.
Some songs fit perfectly.

Opening Credits: Apollo Mix ( It's Goin Down, Get Down Hit the Floor,Breakout, Touch It)

Waking Up: It Don't HAve to Change, John Legend

Falling in Love: Someday, Sigar Ray

Fight scene: Papa Was a Rolling Stone, The Temptations

Breaking Up: I DOn't Need A MAn, The Pussycat Dolls

Getting back together: Oh Girl, Paul Wall

At Work: Take This Ring, Toni Braxton ( Dunno about this one)

Secret Love: Father Can You Hear Me, Diary of A MAd Black Woman Sndtrk. ( I'm in love wit Jesus! YESS!)

Sex Scene: Do You Wanna Dance, Dream

Cheating on your lover: Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit

Life's okay: Stronger, Britney Spears

Mental breakdown: You Will Know, Mary Mary

Driving Flashback: Tenderlove, by somebody new.. I dunno who! Maybe Marques Houston? Somebody like dat....

Partying: Mockingbird, Eminem

Hungover: Where Da At? , B.G. ( Interesting if you listen to the song.. it fits in a weird way)

Happy dance: Lately, Jon B.

Regretting: Go to Sleep, Ne-Yo ( if you know the song you know what I'm regretting... LMAO!)

Long night alone: The Rain, Missy Elliott

Final Battle: Lately, Tyrese ( Funny funny)

Death Scene: Touch My Body, Sean Paul ft. Nina Sky
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Jul. 11th, 2006 @ 10:30 pm I'm so Sick...
So sick so tired so sick and tired of being mistreated and trying to be the bigger person! I'm done trying.. you wanna act the way you do... fine... I don't care anymore. You CAN be erased... Keepthis up and you WILL....
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Jul. 9th, 2006 @ 07:30 pm (no subject)
Current Location: my desk
Current Music: " Where The Spirit IS" by Kirk Franklin
You call it space... I callit something else. What? I don't know. I'm not sure... I just want everything to work out. It's like I'm trying but you on the other hand.... I dunno. I was watching MAdeaGoes toJail, and I really got a lot out of it. Towards the enditgot really touching and hit home something serious. HEr speech about trees and letting go was so close to home for me it bothered me. Then I had to sit back and re-evaluate a lot of shit goin on, and I realized.. Yeah,I am afraid to be alone, but that's only because I found something that I thought was so good and don't want to lose it. I guess I just need to learn to be by myself again.
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Jul. 5th, 2006 @ 10:33 pm What's Wrong with Me?
Current Location: my desk
Current Mood: depressed
I'm not happy.... Not by a long shot! What do you do when everyone relies on you to be Mr. Fix It? What do you do when they burden you with everything that's burdening them? Just push it off on you like it was your baggage to carry all along? And then when you have no one to tell your secrets too, where do you go? Even when you suspect that you might have a shoulder to lean on, you suddenly realize... they don't care very much. Don't even have the audacity to try and figure out if something is wrong or not. How do you keep so much bottled up? Twenty years worth of shit, and still find room for more? I'm not Oprah... I'm not Sally... I'm not Dr. Phil and I damn sure ain't got shit on GOD... so why me? Who designated my ears and shoulders as prime 'use me' targets? Well.. I suppose I should ask my family. They utilize it most. And I don't have any friends. The ones I would consider so... I have to question the tag sometimes. But that's not the greatest fuck up...no. My family is by far. All my baggage, is their baggage. And that's all there is to it.. plain and simple. How do I fix their problems when they are the cause of mine? IS it fair? Is it fair to call me onto sides, and try and mediate financial disputes? Sibling rivalry? I don't even have a sibling really. The 7 year old in CO barely counts.. I don't see him, and he doesn't see me. And the 10 or 12 year old... wherever she is... doesn't even know I exist, and until about 2 years ago... I wasn't supposed to know she existed... but I did. I am so deathly afraid of turning out like them that it engulfs my every waking moment. It boggles my mind and sears my soul. I'm scared. So scared. I don't wanna be that fucked up. Yet I have to question... maybe I'm already there? Or Worse....
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Jul. 1st, 2006 @ 07:34 am (no subject)
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Reflection by Christina Aguilera
It's been awhile...
I guess things have been that good, eh?

But now it was 6:52 am, and I couldn't sleep. Why?
Because I got a lot on my mind....
Mainly this thing called " adulthood".
I'm taking major steps in my life to be the woman that I wanna be, and start this thing called "life on my own",
Yet I kind of feel like I'm doing it on my own. Like I have no netting beneath me...
No security.
Of course there's my parents,
but they're the ones cutting the strings ( per my requests and their beliefs... but still)
I guess my concern is...
I'm not going into this with the feeling that someone's got my back who understands... one
of my peers.
It scares me to think that I could put so much into this thing interpreted as "frinedship",
yet have nothing to pull from it.
It would seem all the furnishings and benefits are dwindling,
but how do you tell a person something like that?
Or do you even tell at all?
My heart aches to be honest...
to speak my mind,
but everytime I do....
It blows up in my face.
So what do I do?

Lay here some more, and try to fightmy way back to sleep?
Conjure up the perfect words for devestating news to break...
Nah...
Perhaps I'll just sit and enjoy the rest of my OJ and BK breakfast...
Whatever happens, I'll definitely think about it a lot more.
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Jun. 23rd, 2006 @ 07:25 pm HA!
Power's back....
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Jun. 22nd, 2006 @ 04:02 am This Shit Sucks!
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: Pissed to SHIT!
Yes! Why am I awake at this ungodly hour? Especially after actually wanting and trying to go to sleep? Because of FUCKING STORMS!!! First.. it started out sexxy! One of those slick kinda storms that could get you in trouble, then apparently some body said some shit GOD wasn't havin cuz he got ignant wit the lightnin and thunder and cut our power off. ( Whoever did it betta apologize dammit cuz anotha night of this and I'm kickin asses fucka taking names!)Even after he cut our power... he said " Sleep? NAh... Fuck your sleep.. you stay up with me!" So he got even more Ungodly ignant and put the storm right over the building! ( Probably right over the fuckhead who fucked up's room!)Apparently pretty damn close to my room too. The only thing I can think of is how I have to be up in 4 hours and the hole in the left tailight of my frickin car that ALREADY has water in it! SO here I am.. pissed to all hell and loving the fact that today will be brilliant. Oh yeah... apparently Ohio is STILL all red, which means that the storms could come back any second and guess what... when they FINALLY go away... even worse one's will come BACK this afternoon!

Fuckin KICK ROCKS!!
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Jun. 17th, 2006 @ 11:47 pm * SIGH*
I'm bac...
And I've had a lot of free time to figure out what's been on my mind........
Good or bad thing?
You tell me
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