I ain't what I oughta be... But I damn sho' ain't what I useta be...

Oh Yeah...

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 03:17:58 GMT

For the record...

I love you. And as hard as it is to admit it... I think I'm STILL IN LOVE with you....

Wow.

Here We Go....

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 03:15:20 GMT

I'm so torn. Did I make the right decision? Should I have gone about it a different way? Will he even get it? I dunno... I have no clue. A HUGE part of me wonders why now? Where did it come from? Why me? What the hell possessed me to want to speak up now? Nothing... its just been a never ending battle for the last nearly four years. And I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired.. I AM tired. But hopefully, from now on... I don't have to be. *SIGH*

And what do I expect? Honestly? I don't know. For him to hate me? For him to feel tremendously awkward, disappointed... angry? Or worse, for him to never speak to me again? The hardest thing is to sit and fight with myself about festering feelings... to go back and forth, over and over... for more than a year... and finally come to a conclusion. In order to have peace I have to let it out... admit it. Suck it up and say it... to you, and to myself.

What do I want? I'm not sure what I want... but I know what I DON'T WANT! I don't want to lose our friendship just for the sake of peace of mind. I don't want to burden you or make you stress for no reason. I'm almost 99.9% sure you don't feel the same, and I'm okay with that. I just... needed to let you know. Get it off my chest. I also need... acknowledgment. Something to say that some way some how, it didn't fall on deaf ears?

What have I done?

Striking up a conversation....

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 06:05:15 GMT

I haven't done this in a VERY long time! And Lord knows I am extremely nervous about it. I have so much on my mind, and so much has changed... I just need to start venting again and making a way to get everything off my heart and out in the open. I want to start writing again... and I want it to be good. I want it to be raw, yet complex. I want it to be something of interest and yet I want it to be something reflective of me. I want to see if this talent still exists, only lying dormant and not having been ravaged and driven to extinction by my reliance on the things that were not truly for me. So where do I start?

Let's see... I'm in a new city. Far far away from home. Living in Los Angeles has been quite an experience for the past year. I officially have no friends, and all the people I want to be around are not here... nor are they close. The one person I thought had my back.. did not. That's all there is to be said about that. It's time to move on.

I'm currently looking to change the world one day at a time, and i have the most amazing opportunity before me at this point with my work that allows me to do just that. I have seen so much change in my life that it makes me proud. Generally I care not about what would take place around me... but here I care exactly what happens and how much of an impact and change is taking place.

And I'm now looking to spark my writing career again! I want to begin working on a new novel and maybe even getting back into the performing arts. I feel like that would be sooo much fun!

Ah well... stay tuned for more to come... my goal is to keep this whole blogging thing up...

Commercials B

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 03:44:50 GMT

Commercials A

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 03:31:17 GMT

Commercials

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 02:59:23 GMT

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 03:13:37 GMT

Update

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 06:09:31 GMT

1)Piece of shit computer back....
2) I roll wit the fellas now...
3) Apparently I'm injury prone as FUCK!
4) NO SOLOS for me....
5) Probably still failing two classes!

That's the scoop! Stayed tuned for the next episode.....

Fuck this Place!!!

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 22:55:14 GMT

This stupid ass campus is full of fake ass people! I dunno how much longer I can stand it here! Maybe it truly is me... or maybe it's like Kat Williams's said.. I'm allergic to BULLSHIT!!!! At any rate, I don't need all this drama right now!!!!

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 18:08:40 GMT

Life... is undoubtedly better. So much so that I can actually smile for once. The only downfall.. is that I'm busy as shit! And probably failing two classes! But I wouldn't have it any other way! MAybe when I get my piece of shit computer back.. I'll update more often.

* SIGH*

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 18:29:01 GMT

Hi,
It's been a long, long time, but it's not like anybody reads this mess anyways. Let's update shall we? School has started, it's kickin my ass. Everybody wants me to play leader... it's kickin my ass. I am seriously contemplating playing ona team where I question my comfortability and skills as well... its kickin my ass! My "best" friend and I fell out, and I highly doubt we may ever EVEN SPEAK again, because I don't even feel like lookin at her, and in all honesty... I have no friends. ANYWHERE it seems. Oh wait I take that back... I do. I have three. One who wants to be with me, one in whom I wanted to be with, but I'm not so sure now, and one whom I never manage to keep in good contact with, though HE's been my best friend since 4th grade. 3.... yup, 3! One of my former friends from High School took it upon herself to call me and question why she doesn't get phone calls, when she never got them in the first place, and then proceeds to be confused about not being my BEST friend when, 3 years ago in Senior year she made it very clear she wasn't BFF material! Fun!
I want out of this Godforsaken atmosphere, and I really just want... something.... anything to stay positive about. It's gettin hard, and I'm supposed to be growin up right? Then why do I feel so alone and like a whiny baby? Way to be E! Way to be!

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 05:50:11 GMT

In Cali.... Oh Boy....

Love it.................... Thnx Brad

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 21:32:21 GMT

- Your Life: The Soundtrack - - - - - - - -
So, here's how it works:
Open your music player (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
Put it on shuffle.
Press play.
For every question type the song that's playing.
When you go to a new question press the next button.
Some songs fit perfectly.

Opening Credits: Apollo Mix ( It's Goin Down, Get Down Hit the Floor,Breakout, Touch It)

Waking Up: It Don't HAve to Change, John Legend

Falling in Love: Someday, Sigar Ray

Fight scene: Papa Was a Rolling Stone, The Temptations

Breaking Up: I DOn't Need A MAn, The Pussycat Dolls

Getting back together: Oh Girl, Paul Wall

At Work: Take This Ring, Toni Braxton ( Dunno about this one)

Secret Love: Father Can You Hear Me, Diary of A MAd Black Woman Sndtrk. ( I'm in love wit Jesus! YESS!)

Sex Scene: Do You Wanna Dance, Dream

Cheating on your lover: Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit

Life's okay: Stronger, Britney Spears

Mental breakdown: You Will Know, Mary Mary

Driving Flashback: Tenderlove, by somebody new.. I dunno who! Maybe Marques Houston? Somebody like dat....

Partying: Mockingbird, Eminem

Hungover: Where Da At? , B.G. ( Interesting if you listen to the song.. it fits in a weird way)

Happy dance: Lately, Jon B.

Regretting: Go to Sleep, Ne-Yo ( if you know the song you know what I'm regretting... LMAO!)

Long night alone: The Rain, Missy Elliott

Final Battle: Lately, Tyrese ( Funny funny)

Death Scene: Touch My Body, Sean Paul ft. Nina Sky

I'm so Sick...

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 02:30:50 GMT

So sick so tired so sick and tired of being mistreated and trying to be the bigger person! I'm done trying.. you wanna act the way you do... fine... I don't care anymore. You CAN be erased... Keepthis up and you WILL....

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 23:33:50 GMT

You call it space... I callit something else. What? I don't know. I'm not sure... I just want everything to work out. It's like I'm trying but you on the other hand.... I dunno. I was watching MAdeaGoes toJail, and I really got a lot out of it. Towards the enditgot really touching and hit home something serious. HEr speech about trees and letting go was so close to home for me it bothered me. Then I had to sit back and re-evaluate a lot of shit goin on, and I realized.. Yeah,I am afraid to be alone, but that's only because I found something that I thought was so good and don't want to lose it. I guess I just need to learn to be by myself again.

What's Wrong with Me?

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 02:47:45 GMT

I'm not happy.... Not by a long shot! What do you do when everyone relies on you to be Mr. Fix It? What do you do when they burden you with everything that's burdening them? Just push it off on you like it was your baggage to carry all along? And then when you have no one to tell your secrets too, where do you go? Even when you suspect that you might have a shoulder to lean on, you suddenly realize... they don't care very much. Don't even have the audacity to try and figure out if something is wrong or not. How do you keep so much bottled up? Twenty years worth of shit, and still find room for more? I'm not Oprah... I'm not Sally... I'm not Dr. Phil and I damn sure ain't got shit on GOD... so why me? Who designated my ears and shoulders as prime 'use me' targets? Well.. I suppose I should ask my family. They utilize it most. And I don't have any friends. The ones I would consider so... I have to question the tag sometimes. But that's not the greatest fuck up...no. My family is by far. All my baggage, is their baggage. And that's all there is to it.. plain and simple. How do I fix their problems when they are the cause of mine? IS it fair? Is it fair to call me onto sides, and try and mediate financial disputes? Sibling rivalry? I don't even have a sibling really. The 7 year old in CO barely counts.. I don't see him, and he doesn't see me. And the 10 or 12 year old... wherever she is... doesn't even know I exist, and until about 2 years ago... I wasn't supposed to know she existed... but I did. I am so deathly afraid of turning out like them that it engulfs my every waking moment. It boggles my mind and sears my soul. I'm scared. So scared. I don't wanna be that fucked up. Yet I have to question... maybe I'm already there? Or Worse....

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 11:44:36 GMT

It's been awhile...
I guess things have been that good, eh?

But now it was 6:52 am, and I couldn't sleep. Why?
Because I got a lot on my mind....
Mainly this thing called " adulthood".
I'm taking major steps in my life to be the woman that I wanna be, and start this thing called "life on my own",
Yet I kind of feel like I'm doing it on my own. Like I have no netting beneath me...
No security.
Of course there's my parents,
but they're the ones cutting the strings ( per my requests and their beliefs... but still)
I guess my concern is...
I'm not going into this with the feeling that someone's got my back who understands... one
of my peers.
It scares me to think that I could put so much into this thing interpreted as "frinedship",
yet have nothing to pull from it.
It would seem all the furnishings and benefits are dwindling,
but how do you tell a person something like that?
Or do you even tell at all?
My heart aches to be honest...
to speak my mind,
but everytime I do....
It blows up in my face.
So what do I do?

Lay here some more, and try to fightmy way back to sleep?
Conjure up the perfect words for devestating news to break...
Nah...
Perhaps I'll just sit and enjoy the rest of my OJ and BK breakfast...
Whatever happens, I'll definitely think about it a lot more.

HA!

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 23:25:56 GMT

Power's back....

This Shit Sucks!

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 08:16:16 GMT

Yes! Why am I awake at this ungodly hour? Especially after actually wanting and trying to go to sleep? Because of FUCKING STORMS!!! First.. it started out sexxy! One of those slick kinda storms that could get you in trouble, then apparently some body said some shit GOD wasn't havin cuz he got ignant wit the lightnin and thunder and cut our power off. ( Whoever did it betta apologize dammit cuz anotha night of this and I'm kickin asses fucka taking names!)Even after he cut our power... he said " Sleep? NAh... Fuck your sleep.. you stay up with me!" So he got even more Ungodly ignant and put the storm right over the building! ( Probably right over the fuckhead who fucked up's room!)Apparently pretty damn close to my room too. The only thing I can think of is how I have to be up in 4 hours and the hole in the left tailight of my frickin car that ALREADY has water in it! SO here I am.. pissed to all hell and loving the fact that today will be brilliant. Oh yeah... apparently Ohio is STILL all red, which means that the storms could come back any second and guess what... when they FINALLY go away... even worse one's will come BACK this afternoon!

Fuckin KICK ROCKS!!

* SIGH*

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 03:48:50 GMT

I'm bac...
And I've had a lot of free time to figure out what's been on my mind........
Good or bad thing?
You tell me

HMMMMMM................

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 01:11:54 GMT

I'm not quite sure how to say it. Not positive how to bring it up....
DO I just spit it out and hope for the best?
Or do I ease it in to the mix and hope you catch on?
Chances are you already know.
I wanna tell you...
I need too....
But I dunno how...
I wish you could read my mind....
I wish you would just force it out of me.

I wanna tell you...
But I don't know how...

You left before I could....

I dunno............

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 17:44:19 GMT

Sometimes I wonder how we managed to become friends as diferent as we are. More andmore I wonderwhy inthe hell do I even try to talk to you. Honestly, anymore, I don't feel like I can. When it comes to joking around, or making up incredulous situations that extend the boundaries of reality.... we're fine. When it comes to views... that's another story. It scares me because each and every time something hapens, I get theis notion that perhaps you really don't care about what I think... or what I say. Most of the time I'm the one who's flaw is pointed out when it comes to communication. I don't presentmyself clearly enough, or the way I saidsomething comes off as... something other than what it was supposed to be. I'm not sure what I'm looking for exactly, but I know that I'm not looking to be hurt or shot down everytime our views disagree. To be blatently told "I don't care how you see things...you can see it as you please" It makes me wonder... How exactly am I supposed to take that? Maybe I'm making a big deal outof nothing. Either way.. it still kinda hurts. Especially coming from you. I thought Imeant a little more than that.... but I could be wrong.. CLEARLY!

People are CRAZY in these streets.....

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 23:47:28 GMT

MYSPACE's Dirty Little Secrets

1. I don't love him
2. i like it when my best guy friend touches me
3.iv had sex with 11 guys and 3 girls and im not gay
4.im in love deeper than i have ever been in my life this one is it i can feel it..it feels so right to me his smile melts me and everything about him is perfect..i love him!! i love him with all of me and i fall in love even more with every breath i take he is my everything.
5. some times i think he thinks i dont love him, but i really do
6. I know who really stole Mr. Holitich's wallet
7. I had a three way with her sister and her best friend
8. I had sex with his brother
9.
10. im w/ my good friends brother!!
11.
12.IM CHEATIN ON HER WIT HER 2 BEST FRIENDS, SISTER, CUZIN
AND 2 OTHER FRIENDS, SHE KNOWS AND SHES STILL WIT ME
13. I know which one is hers & it kills me
14. my parents dont know ive had my first kiss and ive got my 1st kiss like 2 yrs ago..oops...
15.
16. I'm afraid to love him too soon... but I can't help I do.
17. I'm too scared to ask
18.
19. Im in love with my former best friend and not a lot of people know. I feel like he doesnt care...
20.
21.im in love with someone ive never met
22. I don't love her as much as I did before
23. im truly bald
24. My feelings for her changed afetr we has sex
25. i hate him.
26. i'm paranoid about him leaving me
27.
28. i never meant for her to find about that girl but i think she's about to
29. sometimes I think that maybe he does like me back
30.cousin raped meh...
31. I think he's going to use me but I love him too much to stop this
32. i am in love with my best friend
33.
34. I wish I was blind so I wouldn't have to see them together
35.
36. I'm glad they're breaking up
37. I am totaly in love with my x best friend he left me cose i started seeing another guy who i still have feelings for to i would do anything to go bk 9 mounths and change it all.
38.
39. i would do ANYTHING to make him feel the way I do
40. i sometimes wonder if he really does love her
41. I have a face
42.I WANT A MUFFIN
43
44. I wish i could cut but i don't want to break a promise
45. I'm in luv wit my best freind
46.
47.
49. i wish that i had a penis sometimes
50.
51. when I eat it makes me feel disgusting
52.im in love and its scaring me
53.
54.i'm still attracted to my ex boyfriend
55.
56.I'm in love with my best friend
57.i love him!
58.
59.
60. I think that I am soooo fat!
61.i love a guy a can't ever have
62.
63.
64.i like her best friend.
65. I like Porn and I'm a christan !
66.i hurt myslef coz of him
67. me love dick
68. i like porn
69. << I WANT ONE OF THESE
70.
71.I havent eaten almost nothing in a week
72.
73.
74. I'm gay
75.i wanna die i don't like myself i think i'm fat i am fat and i know i'll never be loved
76. i think that zack tanner is hot and i hella like him...
77. i hate myself i dont think im attractive and life would be better without me i have low self esteem
78. I had the biggest fucking crush on her
79. I cut all the time... i cant stop. :'(
80. Lexi is my one and only
82. i still like josiah but i so dont want to
83.I'm terrified to lose him....
84.i hate the person that killed her....
85.
86. I hate myself... more than I let you know.
87.
88. I like him so much and it kills me to know that I can pretty much never see him..
89. Somtimes I wish i didnt have a face so people wouldnt tell me I was pretty
90. i hate myself so much sometimes i make myself sick and cut myself just to make everything stop.
91.
92. I want him to feel the same way as me soo freaking much!<3
93. I think im in love with someone ive never met
94. I'm scared to death to not be able to go to highschool with him. He means the world to me.
95. I used to cut and im super dislexic
96. i hate my body, and i sometimes WISH i was aneroxic.
97. I Love Him More then ANYONE. And id to anything to be with him for as long as possible. Ive never felt this way about any other guy. He truely means the world to me. :)
98. sometimes I get scared that he feels the same way about her as she does about him...he;s my man & I don't want to lose him to her ugly ass
99. I LOVE SHAYSIE SOOOOOO MUCH ( FROM CURTIS)
100. i'm in love with nathen winter!
101: love yall
102.your the most beautiful girl i have ever seen
103.
104. I fall in love too easily. But after everything he's done, I'll never trust anyone again.
106. i can never have him, but that doesnt stop me from loving him and wanting him sooo badly
107. i love my gf soooooo much!
108.i fucked him and he's part of the family
109.
110.i put my mouth on his dick
111. idk if im in luv wit him or not... idk how he feels bout me
112.
113.i am gay and have a crush on three guys at my skool...one of the guys name starts with a S...
114.i still love him and i wanna date him but i dont know how to tell him or what hed say back
115.I still love him. More than he knows. I wish I could hate her for being with him now but I can't. Because she makes him smile and I just want him to be happy. :[[
116.I am anerexic and belemic
117.I'm scared of him he dose things to me
118.Im still cheating on him even though I promised him I wouldnt
119.
120.I watch porn because I'm sad.
121.She's the only reason I can't be with him :( and she's my best friend
122.
123.I cant fall in love, cause all I would do is hurt him Dx
124.i fell in love even tho i knew i was leaving
125. I love him so fucking much, il miss him forever ]:
126: I jack off to make me happy
127: I have a tiny dick
128" haha ^that was ty
129: I finger myself a lot becuz of u!
130; I want her soo bad ^wtf^^

124 hits closest to home though...

I'm not Gonna share my score....

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 04:09:09 GMT

If you get over 50 you're a bad kid...

1) smoked
2) consumed alcohol
3) slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
4) slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5) made out with someone of the opposite sex
6) had sex
7) had someone in your room of the opposite sex
8) watched porn
9) bought porn
10) done drugs

11) taken pain killers
12) taken someone else's prescription medicine
13) lied to your parents
14) lied to a friend
15) snuck out of the house
16) done something illegal
17) cut yourself
18) hurt someone
19) wished someone to die
20) seen someone die

21) missed curfew
22) stayed out all night
23) eaten a carton of icecream by yourself
24) been to a therapist
25) been to rehab
26) dyed your hair
27) recieved a ticket
28) been in an accident
29) been to a club
30) been to a bar

31) been to a wild party
32) seen the Mardi Gras
34) had a spring break in Florida
35) sniffed anything
36) wore black nail polish
37) wore arm bands
38) wore t-shirts with band names
39) listened to rap
40) own a 50 cent cd

41) dressed gothic
42) dressed prep
43) dressed punk
44) dressed grunge
45) stole something
46) been to drunk to remember anything
47) blacked out
48) fainted
49) had a crush on your neighbor
50) had someone sneak into your room

51) snuck into some one else's room
52) had a crush on your best friend's sig. other
53) been to a concert
54) dry humped someone
55) been called a slut
56) called someone a slut
57) installed speakers in your car
58) broke a mirror
59) showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
60) brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush

61) consider ludacris your favorite rapper
62) seen an R rated movie in theaters
63) cruised the mall
64) skipped school
65) had an eating disorder
66) had an injury
67) gone to court
68) walked out of a resteraunt without paying
69) caught something on fire
70) lied about your age

71) owned an apartment
72) cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend
73) cheated with someone
74) got in trouble with the police
75) talked to a stranger
76) hugged a stranger
77) kissed a stranger
78) rode in the car with a stranger
79) been sexually harrassed
80) been verbally harrassed

81) met face to face with someone you met online
82) stayed online for 12 hours straight
83) talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight
84) watched tv for 12 hours straight
85) been to a fair
86) been called a bad influence
87) cursed
88) prank called someone
89) laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex
90) cheated on a test

91) cheated on homework
92) held hands with someone of the opposite sex
93) been pushed into a pool
94) played pool
95) watched 5 hours of mtv straight
96) had a crush on someone 8 years older than you
97) had a crush on someone younger than you
98) worn eyeliner
99) skinny dipped
100) laughed at someone who was seriously hurt

.......... But KNOW that I am BAD AS HEYELL....

My Life Story Once More....

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 23:49:04 GMT

Q: NAME A FRIEND WHO'S NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER "M"
A: Michael

Q: NOW NAME SOMETHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF THEM:
A: Every bubble gum pop star femalein the industry then and now!

Q: 4th PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS:
A: Dunno my phone only does recent calls in general... piece of shit!

Q: WHAT DID THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED SAY?:
A: " What?" Ta'sha bounced excitedly.*

Q: DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
A: Sometimes... A sign of my boredom!

Q: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR?
A: Depends...

Q: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOURE GOING TO?
A: Probably the one put on by me in my room....

Q: WHAT WORD DO YOU SAY A LOT?
A: Huh?

Q: WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE:
A: Beef Instant lunch and Hot dogs! ( Great diet!)

Q: WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU SAID TO SOMEONE AND WHO WAS IT?
A: " Huh?" My co-workers in Scot

Q: DO YOU WATCH TV?
A: Do you breathe?

Q: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
A: I oen it... but no... not entirely.

Q: DO YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW?
A: Yes....

Q: EVER BEEN HUNTING?
A: for what exactly?

Q: IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
A: Future.... Key word here... I'm not psychic... even though I like to think so sometimes...

Q: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU" AND MEANT IT?
A: HA!

Q: WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW?:
A: Getting boned righteously!

Q: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
A: E

Q: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
A: I believe in anything being possible

Q: WHO'S THE YOUNGEST ONE IN THE FAMILY ?
A: What family?

Q: IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
A: I used to think that, and live it religiously... nowadays I'm not so sure...

Q: ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
A: When necessary....

Q: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD?
A: Do I look likethe type of person to have a SKATEBOARD?

Q: WHERE WAS THE LAST PLACE YOU SLEPT BESIDES YOUR HOUSE?
A: College.....

Q: EVER RUN OUT OF GAS ON THE ROAD?
A: Fortunately not... I haven't been in any scary movies lately....

Q: BEST MOVIE YOU'VE SEEN IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS?
A: X-men 3...

Q: WHATS YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF TRAVEL?
A: Car... it's effective and "thinking- friendly"